Thursday, August 14, 2014

It's over... (Email updates)

August 9, 4:48pm

Well, it's over.

Baby was born yesterday (August 8th), but our attorney just called about an hour ago to tell us that Birthmom had decided to keep her baby.  We were stunned and of course brokenhearted.  We are not angry at Birthmom; it is her right to keep her baby. The problem is that we had already had come to love this little guy who we thought was going to be our son. Up until Tuesday of this week, everything seemed to be in place. Birthmom was genuinely planning to place him with us.

The first hint of trouble came yesterday when the attorney called us and said that Birthmom had decided to have skin to skin contact with Baby after birth. The hospital social worker said that, in her experience, that has almost always led to failed adoptions.

Naturally, our fears were aroused, but we still hoped and prayed for the best.

About a half hour after getting the news this afternoon, I texted Birthmom... told her that the attorney just informed us of her decision.  I told her that we are not angry at her... that we love her... that we are still her friends.  I meant every word.  She wrote a really sweet text back.

It is not ours to know the reason behind all of this.  It seems pointless to have had 6 weeks of hope and preparation, only to have it fall apart like this.  But God doesn't owe us an answer.  He makes no mistakes.  We really do believe that, even though we definitely can't see it.

Please pray for us as we go home to an empty crib... unpack our little boy clothes... face K's daily inquiries and love of the word "Baby"... and simply the death of a very real dream.  Last year on August 16th we got the call that the baby we were planning to adopt had died in utero.  Now this year on August 9th, we get this call.

And please pray for Birthmom and this baby we love.  I have no idea what their future will hold.  She has nothing to provide for him... no diapers, no clothes, nothing. We ache.....

Thank you so much for hoping with us, and now for praying with us.

~Judi, for our family



We arrived safely home last evening, Praise the Lord.  It was painful to walk into our house without the baby we fully expected to bring home with us.  I told Reuben that it kind of feels like we went to the hospital (trip to PA) and instead of bringing home a baby, we brought a tissue box instead.

I am reading through the Psalms these days… so comforting.  David, a man after God’s own heart, let himself feel his pain deeply… cried a lot… but after pouring out his grief, he almost always turned his focus back on God.  And that is the balance Reuben and I are seeking to find: being honest with our grief and the very real loss we are going through, and yet in the midst of our grieving and tears still keep our eyes on God.

God is good.  None of this makes sense humanly speaking… so many unanswered questions… so much emptiness and brokenness for both of us, though we express it in different ways.  And yet, here and there, we see little bits of beauty that are coming out of this, and we praise God.

Please keep praying; and thank you for journeying with us.

God bless you!

~Judi, for our family